Ignore Your Instincts at Your Own Peril
by Kian-Rai Delcam
Summary: "Ignore your instincts at your own peril." She persisted regardless, waging a war on her never failing instincts. There was no emotion, there is peace. There was no passion, there is serenity. Ever since she was a little girl, these powerful words had been her code. Relentlessly drilled until the Code even entered her subconscious. Written for Tumblr. SPOILERS FOR CRISIS ON UMBARA


From the moment she met him, the Force nudged her away.

Gently at first, though more firmly as time progressed.

She persisted regardless, waging a war on her never failing instincts. There was no emotion, there is peace. There was no passion, there is serenity. Ever since she was a little girl, these powerful words had been her code. Relentlessly drilled until the Code even entered her subconscious. However, after Yavin 4, after Ziost, after being frozen for five long years, trapped in his nightmares, she found herself feeling rebellious.

She remembers when he first said he loved her. Her heart as warm as when Master Orgus said she was more a daughter than an apprentice, she had responded in kind with an unpracticed kiss. The Odessen sky glimmered, though the distant stars donned more cold expression instead of their normal peaceful mien. The air, crisp with the beginning of autumn, stole her breath away. Her stomach clenched painfully, almost as if the golden blade had slipped past her defense white-cold-hot…no. She refused to listen. She was not yet fully healed and her mind had yet to fully recover from the effects of the carbonite.

She remembered the first time he quieted her nightmares. Red-rimmed pain surrounded her blue irises as uncharacteristic fear settled into her throat in an unreleased scream. He ran into her room, blaster in hand, panic surrounding his aura, oblivious to Valkorion observing from the corner. "Shhhh, it's alright. I'm here, I'm here," he murmured comfort into her ears in a hug, "I will never let anyone hurt you."

She remembered the first time he brought her a mug of caff. The black liquid, combined with three sugars of course, settled warmly into her stomach as she murmured her thanks, tired eyes glued to the data pad. He had simply laughed, and she had to refrain from returning the chuckle. He sat across from her and took half the stack of work (endless work), and began pouring over the various enlistment files and strategy outlines. Lana had found them early that morning, passed out with caff still in hand. She almost didn't drink it, her instincts yelling for the non-Jedi behavior.

"I'm still trying to figure out where the truth ended and the lies began," she said to Lana, the bruises that marred her back twinging. Burns covered her arms from the crash, and the new prosthetic leg trembled beneath her. The Force sang sadly around her, mourning it's child's pain. She remembered her master's teachings, a lifetime ago, as tears formed and fell. "Ignore your instincts at your own peril. They will never lead you astray." He was right. She never should have loved Theron Shan.

* * *

From the moment he met her, he loved her.

He was never one to believe in love at first sight, but Force, how beautiful she looked.

He ignored the flirting at first, for how could a Jedi and a spy ever love each other. But as time progressed and their time together grew shorter (there were only so many Revanites), it became sweeter as well. A silent wink here, a poorly timed joke there became the foundation on which their relationship would build, with him laying each piece brick by brick if she so much as asked. The Jedi Code grew meaningless, his wasted childhood learning it falling away. After Yavin 4, and especially after Ziost, however, things between them changed.

She no longer seemed to care that it should be secret, this strange and familiar thing between them. Still, he had his own reservations that he doubted she knew about. Perhaps one of them was a pull leading away from her, a pull leading to shadows. This, he attempted to ignore.

He remembered the first time he said I love you. Arcann and his Eternal Fleet be damned, he didn't care that she was the Commander and he her second in command. The Odessen night had settled and the very stars seemed to shed a tear at her. Cool air sent shivers down his spine (though he supposed that it could very well be the kiss they shared) and he almost laughed as she flinched in surprise. If a moment could last forever, he would live in eternal bliss.

He remembered the first time he heard her scream. Blaster in hand, jacket in place, he ran past a confused soldier to her room. The sight he beheld was truly a terrifying one. He had never seen her cry, but her beautiful blue eyes were swollen and glistening in rare display of fear. Hair dishevelled, sweat gleaming on her forehead, she was broken inside. He allowed the blaster to fall to the floor, removed his boots and his Force-forsaken jacket, and simply held her, murmuring soothing nonsense. In that moment, he made a vow to never let anyone hurt her again.

He remembered the first time he brought her caff. He had seen her prepare it before and was very careful to include her three sugars when he saw how late she would be awake. When she thanked him, he had laughed deep in his chest, astonished she had the energy to even notice him. Without a word, he took half of the work and began the tedious task of narrowing down the field of recruits. He did so without regret, even as Lana woke them up with a stern lecture about over exhausting themselves.

He remembered the first time he lied to her, before he ever became involved with this cult. The first time he heard her scream. "Come home, Theron, I love you," her voice wavered at the end, as did Theron's resolve. He had promised he would never hurt her, yet there she stood, burns covering her arms, a metallic shine showing through a small tear in her pants. And worse it seemed, how she still loved him even as he still loved her. He knew this would wound her. He did it anyway. There was work to be done, and Lana's pragmatism had rubbed off on him. However, Theron Shan knew it could have been different. If only he had never loved her.

 **A/N: Still here ya'll. Still feeling the Theron feels. And still pissed at Bioware. Here's a quick little drabble, the first half of which has already been put up on my Tumblr under the same name. Let me know what you think!**


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